Welcome to
the University of Ithica.
This is it, right here. This is what we're talkin' about.
I'm gonna give you a good tour today.
Show you as much as you need to know, plus a whole lot more.
So this is the main area of the university.
You'll be getting used to this area.
This is where you congregate with your friends and classmates.
Come in around me, everyone. Keep close.
Don't straggle. I've had problems with stragglers before, okay ?
They get lost in the back. They get hit by trucks, okay ? It's not pretty.
It's not pretty when it happens. This is the--
By the way, this is the joseph H. Nelson memorial library here, okay ?
It was built, uh--
It was built, uh, in the 1600s.
1600S ? It says 1951.
[ Snickering ]
That's the address. Okay ? Wise-ass.
That's the psychology department.
Each semester you'll be expected to volunteer...
For some cutting-edge experimental testing.
Kind of cool. Just a tip.
When it's your turn, remember to wear loose clothes, no metal,
And be prepared to receive several heavy doses of electric current.
They're watching us right now.
Over there is the department of english.
I see most of you speak english already, so we can skip that one.
How long have you been going to school here ? Eight years.
[ Everyone laughing ]
You don't seem to know anything about it here. This is the worst tour ever.
This is the worst school ever. Doesn't anything cool ever happen here ?
Yeah, I mean, cool stuff happens here.
This university of ithaca is the coolest, coolest place in the world.
That's because he's probably never been anywhere else.
[ Laughing ]
Go ahead, laugh. Laugh all you want.
But the fact of the matter is, this is the setting for the greatest story ever told.
Okay ?
It's about this guy I knew, josh parker,
And his girlfriend, tiffany.
It's one of the most fascinating journeys ever.
Josh and tiffany were always together,
Starting from when they were really little.
They did everything as a team.
Once when tiffany was ten years old, she had her tonsils taken out.
Josh stayed in the hospital for three straight days.
They were best friends.
And eventually what started out as friendship...
Blossomed into some serious french kissing and lots of heavy petting.
You know, they spent so much time together that even their dogs started dating.
They seemed destined to be together forever.
But after high school, they faced their most challenging challenge ever:
A long-distance relationship.
See, unfortunately, while josh was enrolled here at the wonderful university of ithaca,
Tiffany went off to veterinary school in austin, texas.
But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other,
To talk every day and maintain an exclusive relationship.
That turned out to be more difficult than either of them had imagined.
Tiffany ! Hey, baby.
Oh, my god. You were amazing last night.
I never ever came like that before. Come on.
Seriously ! I had to take two birth control pills this morning.
You wanna help me study again tonight ?
Forget tonight. Come over now.
Let's blow this class off.
[
[ Gasps ]
[ Line rings ]
[ Answer machine ] tiffany and carla can't come to the phone,
But if you leave a message, we'll call you right back.
Hey, tif, it's me... Again.
Just wonderin' where you are. Still tryin' to get ahold of you.
Everything's cool, though. I'm sure I'll catch you later.
Call me back, okay ? Okay. Bye.
I just wanted to add something before I sent this video off.
I haven't talked to you in a few days.
And I'm starting to think you don't like me anymore. No, I'm kidding.
Hey, guys. But I am getting a little worried,
So gimme a call when you get a chance, okay ?
Barry says "hi."
So gimme a call as soon as you can, okay ? I miss you.
Call me, okay ? Bye.
[
What's up, guys ? Not much.
You ? Nothing. I was just finishing my tape to tiffany.
[ Barry ] hey, mitch, what are you doin' ? Are you hungry ?
Huh ?
Are you gonna feed him ? No, I'm checking the temperature inside his cage.
Mitch needs an evenly
Distributed 85 degrees
To survive.
Can I drop a mouse in ?
Sorry. Mitch only eats once a week, on saturdays.
Maybe we could cut a mouse in half,
And we could feed him half now
And the other half on saturday.
I don't think so.
I thought you had class now.
What time is it ? Oh, shit !
Can you do me a favor ? When this is done rewinding,
Will you drop it in the mail for me ? No problem. Just leave it there.
Thanks, man. I'll see you guys later ? Bye.
Can we please feed him now ?
No.
If you overfeed him, he could die.
So ? It'll be worth it.
Josh, hey. Beth, hey.
What's goin' on ? Not much.
Where have you been ? Nowhere.
Just studying a lot. I'm starting to question this whole college thing.
No one told me there was gonna be this much reading.
Right.
[ Chuckles ] yeah.
Oh, you going to E.L.'S tonight ? Yeah, I'll be there.
[ Josh ] I gotta run. Class started five minutes ago.
I'll see you tonight. Yeah. Sorry. Tonight.
So, you have a thing for that guy now, is that it ?
It's none of your business, jacob. I can just tell you like him.
I'm not having this conversation again. What conversation ?
You need to stop this. You and I, we're not a couple.
We've never been a couple, and we will never be one.
[ Professor ] this week I'd like you...
To think about plato's dialogues of the middle years,
I.E. The republic,
Phaedo, symposium.
Now, this will all be on next week's midterm, so...
I suggest you read up on it.
Ah, jacob, do you have anything to add ?
Just a reminder.
The midterm will cover all of the in-class lectures...
As well as all of the assigned readings.
It will be entirely essay form, so bring legal pads. I prefer yellow.
It's easier on the eyes.
Okay. Okay ? Yeah. Thank you, jacob.
And... See you all next week for the midterm.
Josh. Yes ?
I saw you hitting on beth. Not a good idea. She's spoken for.
What ? She'll come back to me. They always do.
So, mr. Parker. Do you intend to be ready for this exam ?
- Yes, sir. - Well, you better be ready.
Because I was lookingover the books last night,
And you need a "b" on this test just to pass this class.
Actually, I double-checked that, professor. He needs a "b" plus.
We're not gonna be able to bend on this. Yeah, I got it.
Just copy off someone. I can't. It's all essays and stuff.
If I fail this class, my average is shot.
I might lose my financial aid. I could not be allowed back next semester.
Well, you're fucked then. You might as well come to my party tonight.
Hook up with beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college.
I'm not hooking up with anyone. I made a commitment to tiffany.
I'm invested in this relationship.
Invested ? Who are you, charles schwab ? Would you listen to yourself ?
I would give my life...
For one evening of consensual sex with that girl.
I've gone this long without cheating. I think I can hold out.
You're already cheating ! Any time you pass up sex, you're cheating on yourself.
Think about it. You're in college.
The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs...
And take advantage of young girls is getting smaller by the day.
I gotta make a call. I'm telling you.
You pass this up, it'll haunt you for the rest of your days.
Your dick will never forgive you.
What do you think, little man ?
Don't you ever want to experience something new ?
[ Squeaky voice ] it ain't easy being josh's penis.
We've been here over two months, and I feel like I'm in a coma.
- Stop it. - I wish I was your dick, E.L.
If something doesn't happen soon, I'm gonna pack up my balls and leave.
Enough.
[ Girl over phone ] hello ?
Carla, it's josh. I'm sorry to bother you. Is tiffany around ?
Tiffany is not here.
She didn't sleep here last night... Again.
And it would be great if one hour went by when you didn't call.
Right. If she wanted to talk to you,
She'd call you.
Deal with it.
What a bitch ! Does she sound hot ?
We've never gone this long without talking. Something is definitely wrong.
Yeah, she found someone else like you should do.
The clock is ticking. Before you know it,
You're gonna be 40 and have to pay for these kinda girls.
She good-looking
King
Yeah, wouldn't give me
The time of day
But if my occupation was
A star in the constellation
We could get together
In the milky way
And everybody
Wanna know somebody
Everyone wants to drop
Your name
You need no reservation
No special invitation
No college education if you've
Got fortune and fame
Oh, yeah ! Whoo-hoo !
I should really warn you, though, it's been known...
To severely affect your decision-making abilities and lowers your inhibitions.
Good. That's the plan.
No, that-that's-- yes, that is the plan.
Did you bring some cash ? Why ?
We've got chicks for sale. What ?
Hey, now I'm snappy
Ack
Trust me. I've been goin' to this school for seven years.
And I know the key to a well-rounded college education...
Is experimentation.
Let me show you.
This is an auction. Remember...
You are not buying the girl,
You are buying her company, and no way does a sale constitute sexual relations.
[ Groaning ]
I know, I know.
Believe me, I've tried.
Anyway, without further ado, let's introduce you to our first... Person.
Laura !
[ Ring ]
Laura's from long island.
Her favorite color is blue.
She likes the outdoors.
She loves good seafood. Okay, let's start the opening bidding at five dollars.
Three dollars and fifty cents.
Good god, moneybags. She's not a happy meal.
[
Five dollars. Okay, we've got five. Do I hear ten ?
- Ten bucks. - [ Auctioneer calling ]
Who's got fifteen ?
- Fifteen bucks for
A lovely evening with laura. - Fifteen dollars.
Okay, we got 15. Who can beat 15 ? Going once, going twice.
Sold... To the captain.
There you are.
Hey, what's going on ? Not much.
You look great. Thank you.
You're welcome.
Listen, jacob's here, and he's a total psycho.
Can you go outbid him ?
You know what, I didn't bring that much money.
You don't understand. He's obsessed with me.
See ? That's fun, right ?
Okay, okay. Now, I want you two to kiss each other.
All right, has anyone seen beth ? Uh-oh, there she is.
[ Cheering ] say hi to the crowd, beth.
Hi.
Can I hear a five-dollar opening bid for the beautiful beth wagner ?
- Five dollars right here. - Who can beat five ? - Six.
Seven. Ten dollars.
- Ten dollars.
Going once. Going twice-- - fifteen dollars.
- Twenty. - Twenty-five.
Twenty-five.
Who can beat 25 ?
Going once, going twice.
Twenty-six.
- Twenty-six going once. - Thirty !
- Okay, can anyone beat $26 ? - I just said 30 !
There's gotta be someone out there who can beat $26. Me, right here. Thirty !
Sold ! To my man josh for $26.
You heard me. I bid $30 loud and clear. Your bid didn't count.
Why ? Because you're a T.A.
So ? So this auction is for students only.
Good-bye.
On and on
Untie early morning
They're rockin' on and on
Until the early morning
[ Laughing ]
Thanks for doing that. I owe you one.
You owe me more than one. Do I ?
Technically.
Well, are you ready to collect ?
I think so. Yeah.
We're touching.
It's a lot of fun.
[ Chuckles ]
We're having a good time.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Romantic ]
Who's tiffany henderson ?
Just some girl I used to date since I was like five.
But that's over now. She blew me off.
Oh, poor baby.
You must be very hurt.
Do you need some special attention ?
Well, I am pretty upset.
Did that help ?
That helped a lot.
I have an idea.
What do you say ?
I don't think so.
Come on ! It'll be fun.
I've always wanted to try this. No.
Yes. I'm gonna interview you.
Fine.
Okay.
Okay, josh. Yes.
What do you look for in a girl ?
Well, let's see.
She should be smart and funny and--
That's good too.
Do you feel better yet ?
I feel a little bit better. Yeah. A little.
What else do you look for ?
She should be attractive and...
Nice and--
Topless. And topless.
And she should kiss me.
What else ?
She shouldn't stop kissing me.
Why don't you keep doing that ?
Tiny salmon swimming
In a stream
Tiny salmon chasing
That impossible dream
The mynah bird says
- [ Cawing ] - [ cawing ]
The chimpanzee says
[ Making monkey sounds ]
The friendly owl says
[ Hooting ]
But the salmon
Can only say
[ Blubbering ]
And it's sad
[ Humming ]
Good morning, everyone
Good morning, everyone
How are you and you
And you
What are you so happy about ?
I don't know. Do I seem happy this morning ?
Well, you're bouncing
Around here like you're
Richard fuckin' simmons.
Yeah, you do seem unusually lighthearted today, josh.
Huh. Maybe it's because I had the best time of my life last night.
Twice ! And once this morning.
You and beth ?
Oh, yeah. Shut up. What happened ?
No way ! You're lying.
I'm not lying.
You can't make out with someone, then pretend you had sex with them.
- That's really, really uncool. - I'm not pretending.
Forget it. I know you're lying. I guarantee he's lying.
You wanna bet ?
Great. I'm gonna bet money on something you can't prove.
You videotaped it !
No, no, no, I didn't ! Gimme that ! Gimme that ! E.L., Gimme that.
No way ! This is amazing ! I was kidding. Just give it back to me, okay ?
Gimme the tape.
Huh ?
Come on, josh.
- We're all gonna see it
Sooner or later. Huh ? - He's got a point.
[ Barry ] oh, no ! Oh, no !
Give it to me. No, give it to me.
E.L., No. Josh, please ? We need this.
Okay, listen, seriously. You can never tell anyone you saw this.
Oh, yeah.
Okay. Okay !
Barry, hit the lights.
It's boner time !
Hey, tif. It's me coming to you live from ithaca, new york.
I thought I asked you to mail this yesterday.
Yeah, it was on your desk. I mailed it this morning.
Barry, fast-forward to the horny stuff.
I got a girl is this the kind of shit you've been sending tiffany ?
Oh, my god.
It's you
Oh, fuck !
Oh, my god ! No, no, no, no.
Oh, god !
W-wait a second.
Tell me you mailed the beth tape to tiffany.
Yes !
[ Josh ] shit !
Oh, no ! Oh, no ! What ? Hey, hey.
Did you make a copy ? 'Cause if you made a copy, we could watch the copy.
- [ Ringing ] - don't answer it.
[ Answer machine ] it's josh and rubin. Leave a message.
Hi, josh. It's tiffany.
Sorry we haven't spoken.
Listen, my grandfather passed away.
I've tried calling you a few times, but no one picked up.
I didn't want to leave this message on your machine.
But by now you're probably a little worried, so--
Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom out.
She's really a wreck.
If I don't speak with you,
I'll call you monday
When I'm back at school.
I'll be okay. I just need some time.
Bye. I love you.
That's not fair.
How come she gets to see the tape and we don't ?
She gets back there monday. That leaves me three days to get there.
Get where ? Austin ?
That's like 10,000 miles from here. Eighteen hundred.
You wanna drive 1,800 miles in three days ? Just fly.
Do you have money for a ticket ? I don't.
All right, so we're driving.
You're coming ? What else am I gonna do ? Stay here and learn ?
Road trip.
[ Boy ]
Just a minute.
Hold on.
He's probably jackin' off.
What do you guys want ?
Kyle, this is an emergency.
Wait. Let me at least go back and call my dad.
Call your dad ? Would you listen to yourself ?
You're 19 years old, and you're a fucking sissy.
All you ever do is sit in a library and play myst with exchange students.
It's pathetic.
No, no. What he's trying to say is this is your chance to do something for once.
Be a risk-taker. Come with us.
You guys are just saying that because you want my car.
No ! No, we've always liked you.
Or you can just give us the car. That would make him a risk-taker, right ?
Shut up, all right ? He's coming with us.
Come on, kyle. It'll be fun !
Aren't you even curious where we're going ?
No.
Okay. We're going to the university of austin. Sure you don't wanna come ?
I don't like massachusetts.
Austin's in texas, not massachusetts. You're thinking of boston.
You've never left this town, have you, barry ?
No, not really.
You should look into that. That could turn into a debilitating phobia.
Okay, I'll do that.
- Can I feed mitch ? - Yes, actually you can.
You can feed him.
But not till tomorrow. There's a brown box full of mice next to his cage.
Give him one tomorrow. And no messing around, barry. Okay ? Just one.
I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow, okay ? Okay.
Yeah. You can count on me. Okay ? I'm reliable.
You guys do good.
Have a good trip,
Safe trip, safe journey.
Buckle up your seat belt. I'm gonna feed the snake for you.
[ Barry's voice ]
So off they went.
They had 1,800 miles to go,
And only three days
To do it.
It was a killer journey, and it was one that changed them forever.
The end.
So we're gonna go look over here now.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's it ? This story sucks.
That can't be the whole story. What happened with the tape ?
Right. The tape.
Well, like I said, they were on a race against time.
[ Male singers ]
Smoke stack spitting black
Sunny sky
The load on the road brings
A tear to the indian's eye
Since we didn't get to see the tape,
Can you at least describe it to us ? No.
The elephant won't forget what
It's like inside his cage
The ring master's telling
Ne's
On an empty stage
Admit that beth is amazing.
I admit it. She's amazing. She's perfect.
There you go.
I don't know why you feel so guilty. Technically you haven't cheated on tiffany.
What are you talking about ?
There are these rules that guys have,
An understanding as to what exactly constitutes cheating.
Take your situation, for example.
[ Laughing ]
It's not cheating.
It's never cheating...
When you're in a different area code, not to mention a different state.
That makes no sense.
Don't look at me, kyle. I didn't make up the rules.
This is legit. I've actually read an article about this.
There's a whole bunch of them. They're like loopholes. Right ?
For argument's sake, let's say you were sleeping with two girls at the same time.
It wouldn't be cheating, because they would cancel each other out.
Ahh.
Exactly !
Or if you're too wasted to remember ? It is not cheating.
Because if you can't really remember it, it never really took place.
Uh-huh
Whoo-oo
I've got one. Are you ready ?
It's not cheating if you spread peanut butter all over your testicles...
And let your dog lick it off.
[ Everyone groaning ]
Because it's your dog ! Jesus christ !
You know, because it's your dog ! Yeah, we got it.
Whoo-oo, uh-huh
Goddamn right
It's a beautiful day
Uh-huh
Goddamn right--
Somebody's gonna die tomorrow.
That's right. One of you is marked for death.
And the first thing tomorrow morning,
A chosen one will experience nature's wrath...
In all its fury.
Ah-ah-ah-ah
Ah-ah-ah-ah
Who are you ?
I'm beth.
Are you here for the feeding ?
Excuse me ?
You're early. It's not till tomorrow.
You should come back.
It's gonna be a bloodbath.
I think I'll pass.
Have you seen josh ?
He went to visit his girlfriend.
Tiffany ?
I thought they broke up.
I mean, this girl who's a friend of his. You know what I mean.
Where did he go ?
Austin ?
Austin, massachusetts ?
You mean boston, massachusetts ?
Yeah, that's what I said. Boston.
The university of boston in massachusetts.
He is such an asshole.
I can't believe he just lied to my face like that.
I actually thought he liked me. How could he do that ?
Wait, she was standing around topless ? Girls don't stand around naked.
Yeah, they do. Okay ? This is my story. Do you wanna hear it or not ?
It just doesn't make any-- shh. Please, no interruptions.
So this other girl walks up, totally hot. Naked ! Really naked !
I know guys can be jerks.
I guess I just thought josh was different. I liked him.
Sweetie, listen to me. They're all the same.
All men are perverted pigs.
All they care about-- really, all they think about is sex.
Tits and ass. You are so right. I feel so used.
Oh, honey, face it. We're all used. In most men's eyes, we're just flesh.
It's sick. It is sick. Think about it, okay ?
If they had it their way--
I don't even wanna know what would happen if they had it their way.
Do you know what I mean ? Right, I know what you mean.
But what am I supposed to do now ? He's gone.
You should go to boston
Ss.
[ Beth ] right ?
Confront him and his little girlfriend.
Face to face. You totally should.
Okay. Show her what an asshole josh is.
Right ? Hmm.
[ Male singers ]
I baby
Drivin' me crazy
I'm freakin' you, baby
Drivin' me crazy
I'm freakin' you, baby
Drivin' me crazy
Oh ! These too.
I'm freakin' you, baby
Drivin' me crazy
Kyle, come here for a second.
Look, we're a little short on cash right now,
So we're gonna need to put this on your credit card.
We'll give you the cash when we get back. I promise.
I can't. It's my dad's. It's for emergencies only.
Hello ! This is an emergency.
We need this stuff. You want us to sleep in the dirt ?
I'm freakin' you, baby
Drivin' me crazy
When I get to your place
I wanna turn up the highs
And turn up the bass
[ Josh ] well, I'd say we're officially in no-man's-land.
We've been on this road for over an hour.
This is gonna save us five hours minimum. So thank me later, josh, okay ?
Maybe we should turn around and go back to the interstate.
We're not goin' back. We're not goin' back. Have some faith, kyle.
It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a shortcut.
If it was easy, it would just be the way.
[ Josh ] damn it ! Fuck !
Yep, I give us about 20 minutes before our first ass-raping.
What do we do now ? If we turn around, we're gonna lose five hours backtracking.
Turn around ? Why ? Because of this ? We can make it.
Make it ? You mean jump it ?
No. Absolutely not.
No way. We're going back.
[ Rubin ] it can be done.
This incline is 30 degrees roughly, right ?
Factory weight of the car is 1,600. Add our weight plus cargo, 2,100 pounds.
No, no.
If we hit this
At 50 miles per hour,
Our trajectory will clear ten feet, easy.
No way. Absolutely not.
Kyle, we'll go 60 just to be certain.
[ Kyle ] we're goin' back. This is impossible.
You sure ?
Of course I'm sure. With physics I'm always sure. Yes.
I'm driving.
I don't think you guys heard me.
This is my car, and we're not gonna be jumping over any rivers.
Kyle, it's ten feet. Bob hope could jump this in a golf cart.
Look, I can spit across this gap.
Yeah. Well, better make it 75.
Okay.
Let's do it. Trust me, kyle, it's science.
No, you guys. No. E.L., Get out of my car.
Kyle, in the car. Come on.
We're okay.
You know we need to hit 60, right ?
I'm trying. This car sucks. Stop !
[ Everyone yelling ]
[ E.L. ] Thank you ! Yes !
What did I tell you ?
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god !
My father is gonna kill me when he finds out about this.
I only said we'd make it across. I never said anything about the wheels staying on.
What the hell are we gonna do now ?
I'm totally screwed !
I don't have time to be walking through the woods right now.
Josh, we're gonna call a tow truck. We'll have the axles fixed.
We'll probably lose half a day. It'll be fine. It's just the wheels !
[ Beth ] the minute I think I feel something for someone,
They just turn around and screw me over.
Just something about josh.
He's just different. I feel like we had a connection.
I don't think I'll ever be able to trust a guy.
You shouldn't ! Honey, the last time I trusted a man was 1985,
And he took off with my sister and my van.
It was a regular-size van. That was before they started making that minivan crap.
So there's no hope, huh ?
Oh, there's hope. But it comes with batteries.
[ Buzzing ]
You can keep that.
[ Kyle ] god. Crap.
Listen, guys, we're gonna have to be more careful.
We almost died in that explosion.
I wish I had died. I'm serious. I can't die young.
Something tells me the people of earth are gonna need me.
I must live.
Yeah, right. We all must live.
Before we do that, we must figure out how to get back on the road.
[ Josh ] we shouldn't be going to sleep right now.
[ Phone ringing ]
Let's lay an indication here and there of some little shadow areas.
[ Phone ringing ]
[ Phone ringing ]
[ Phone ringing ]
Excuse me.
[ Phone ringing ]
I'm sorry, do you need to get that ?
Do you need something ?
Yeah. This is sort of an unusual question.
But do you have any marijuana I might be able to buy from you ?
Our car exploded last
Night, and I'm practically
N.
Am I a drug dealer ?
No, I am not. Thank you for asking though.
No ? Okay, that's okay. Thanks.
Is there anything else I can help you with ?
Perhaps you'd like an 11-year-old prostitute sent to your room.
We can do that.
Or maybe we can off someone for you. Huh ? How's that sound ?
I've got it. Why don't we start small ?
Would you like a fresh towel ?
Maybe you could roll that up and smoke it.
Dick.
By the way, cheech.
That credit card you guys gave me last night was maxed out.
So don't go spending all your cash on needles and guns just yet.
Um, mr. Earl edwards ?
I'm sorry, sir. This card's over its limit.
That's not true. Put it through your little machine again.
I ran it through three times, sir. It keeps telling me you're over your limit.
If you have another card, I'd be happy to-- don't give me any attitude.
You go fix that little toy back there,
And charge this friggin' meal to that friggin' card.
We've been coming here for 20 years.
We've only been open eight years, sir.
Do it now.
[ E.L. ] Relax, it's not that big a deal.
[ Rubin ] you don't seem to understand me.
When josh finds out abouis, he's gonna freak.
You can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't.
So, what are we gonna do ?
Tell you what. Stay here.
Take him out for breakfast or something.
I'll go take care of this.
Earl, cookie, we have a situation. Brace yourselves.
The police have found kyle's car abandoned in bedford, pennsylvania.
It's been blown to bits.
We checked with the university, and he's not there. He's missing.
Mother of god.
[ Woman ]
Good morning. Hello.
Hi. How can I help you ?
Yeah, hi. I was sent over to check out bus 1-11.
And I'm afraid I have some bad news.
You seem to be having problems with the... Rotator splint.
Engines have rotator splints ?
Yeah.
She runs good now,
But not for long.
I can have it back to you as good as new in less than a week. Okay.
Let's see. Well, jered's still in aliquippa.
I take it he called you from there ? Mmm, yep.
Five days. Well, I think we can work that out.
Would you please not feed my dog ?
I didn't.
You did so. You can't feed seeing eye dogs treats like that.
They're specially trained. So I'd appreciate it if you left him alone.
Don't roll your eyes at me.
French toast.
Bacon. Good for you. And scrambled eggs.
Excuse me, but this has powdered sugar, and I ordered no sugar.
- I really can't have
Too much sugar in the morning. - Oh, I'm sorry.
Look at that. You're absolutely right. I'll tell you what.
Let me take this back and bring you out a new piece. All right. Great.
Is everybody good ? Okay, great.
Do you know where my books and possessions are ? I can't really fi--
Wait, no. They were in the car. The car that blew up.
That's--
That's hilarious.
All right, let me warm that up.
There you go. Thanks.
Excuse me. The french toast will be up in a minute.
Okay, thank you. Okay, great.
French toast, no sugar.
All right ? Sorry about that. No problem. Thank you.
That's a nice guy.
It's good.
[ Tires squealing ]
Okay !
I don't even wanna know how you got this.
I stole it from a blind chick. I said I didn't wanna know.
What ? I'm gonna give it back.
Probably.
[ Male singer ]
Going to work
I hate it
Shakin' that stick
That drives people crazy
Doin' that stuff
That you do
Quit messin' me up
With your voodoo
You drive me crazy
With that
Boogie-oogie-oogie
Oogie-oogie
You drive me crazy with that
Boogie
Your lip's are hot
And spicy
Servin' up baked beans
At night
[ Horn honks ]
At midnight
She's hopin' to stomp
Makin' love to the gators
In the swamp
Can we please stop soon ? I need to use the bathroom.
Actually, I don't have to go yet, so we'll stop in a couple hours.
Okay.
I'm kidding, kyle. We'll stop.
Jeez, you have to stand up for yourself once in a while. Be a little more assertive.
Okay.
What's your deal anyways ? Why are you so worried all the time ?
I don't know.
I guess it's my dad.
He's, like, strict.
He really is gonna kill me when he finds out about that car.
So you screwed up. Big deal, man. People make mistakes.
He'll get over it. Besides, that car sucked anyways.
I really do need to go to the bathroom.
[ E.L. ] We're makin' a pit stop.
[ Josh ] again ?
[ Squeaking ]
You're about to experience firsthand...
Exactly what it means to be in the lower region of nature's food chain.
Mitch is going to bite into you.
He's going to squeeze.
He'll actually
Start digesting you
While you're still alive.
But don't be scared.
No. No, no.
It'll be a quick death.
Be brave.
You'll barely feel it.
Come on.
[ Banging on cage ]
Come on. You gonna fuckin' eat him ?
Josh, wait up a second.
This is supposed to be a road trip.
All we're doin' is driving the whole time.
It's ridiculous. No one forced you to come along, man.
First off, we're making great time.
Second, if tiffany did see that tape, it'd be the best thing ever happened to you.
What is that supposed to mean ?
Beth is like an angel. She's here to help you change your life.
Besides, did tiffany ever let you videotape her ?
I think not.
It's a sign, josh.
[ Phone ringing ] hello ?
[ Josh ] professor anderson ? Who's calling ?
Hi, professor, it's josh parker.
Oh, uh--
[ Deeper voice ] hello, josh. What can I do for you ?
Well, I was in a car accident.
[ Jacob ] oh. Oh, my god.
I'm okay. It's just I'm in kind of a bind.
All my notes and books were destroyed.
I was wondering if it was possible to get a little extension.
Maybe take the midterm a couple days later.
Oh, sure. Yes, it sounds like an emergency.
How about an extra three days ? How would that sound ?
Would that work ? Yeah, that would be fantastic.
Are you sure ? Just glad you're not hurt.
I'm marking it down right now.
That is so great, professor. Thank you. I'll see you soon.
Okay, good-bye.
Who was that ?
Oh, that--
[ That was josh parker.
Oh, yeah ? What did he want ?
He was just calling to confirm the date of the exam.
Such a worrier.
[ Siren wails ]
It's gonna be okay. I'll find him.
And we'll find whoever did this, I promise. It's gonna be okay.
If I hadguess, I'd say somebody was raped and murdered here last night.
What the hell gives you that idea ?
I don't know. It's just a feeling.
Well ? Nothing yet.
Good thing is, there's no evidence of a struggle.
No blood or clothing, anything like that.
And we haven't found a single drop of semen yet.
Hi. I'm visiting my friend from home.
She doesn't know I'm coming. It's a surprise.
How nice.
How can I help you ?
Oh, I've never been here before. I don't know where she lives.
What's her name ? I can look it up in the student directory.
Oh, okay. Tiffany henderson.
Do I know you ?
No, you don't. Actually, I know your boyfriend.
Okay. Who are you ?
I'm beth. Could we just sit down for a minute ?
Okay.
Um, this is really hard for me,
But it's definitely something you should hear.
Your boyfriend is cheating on you... With me.
We were together thursday night, twice,
And once again friday morning.
I thought you should know.
[ Pencil snaps ]
[ Yelling ]
Sorry.
Tiffany ! What the hell are you doing ?
[ Crowd gasps ]
Who's that guy ? That's her boyfriend.
That's her boyfriend ?
Yeah. He's been cheating on her.
[ Boy ]
I love you.
[ Moans ]
I-I'm sorry,
But you have the most beautiful feet.
[ Moans ]
Would you like
A foot massage ?
No, I would not like a foot massage.
[ Louder voice ] as a matter of fact, I would hate a foot massage.
Okay. I'm sorry. Relax.
Are there any guys out there who are just normal ? Huh ?
[ Strikes note ] unleash the fury, mitch.
[ Strikes note ] unleash the fury.
[ Strikes note ]
Come on, mitch.
[ Strikes note ]
Eat him.
Please, mitch. Go get him, boy.
He's right there. Kill him.
Maim him. Bite him.
[ Strikes note ]
[ Screaming ] unleash the fury !
Wow, this is cool.
I've never been in a fraternity house before.
Is this gonna work ?
Of course it's gonna work. I know the handshake and everything.
Hi.
Hi. Can I help you ? Yeah.
My name's rubin carver. I'm a xi chi brother from ithaca university.
My friends and I were just passing through, looking for a place to party,
Maybe even a place to crash.
Xi. Xi.
Xi. Chi.
Chi. Hmph.
[ Chattering,
Dishes clattering ] wow.
[ Chattering stops ]
[ Clears throat ] uh, everyone, this is rubin.
Apparently, rubin is our fraternity brother from our ithaca chapter.
These are his friends.
Listen, uh, apparently we've interrupted your dinner.
So we're just gonna-- hey, don't be crazy !
Listen, there's plenty of food to go around, all right ?
You guys are more than welcome to stay.
[ Chattering ]
You know, this food's actually pretty good.
Hey, you do realize this is a national black fraternity ?
They know you're not a member.
I'm sorry. I don't think about that kind of stuff.
Okay, relax. Okay ? They're just messing with us.
No way. They're pissed because he lied.
I say we get the hell out of here. Shhh. Relax.
Someone's got some serious explaining to do.
Yeah, look what we found in this guy's duffel bag. What ? What is that ?
No, I've never seen that before in my life !
What are you guys doin' here ? Are you in the ku klux klan ?
- Whoa, whoa. That is not ours. - That is not mine !
Okay, hold on a minute. Uh, th-there's obviously some explanation for this.
Yeah, there is. See, your boy here's an evil bigot, and now he's gonna die.
Justice.
[ Josh ] kyle. Kyle.
Kyle !
There you are. I thought we lost you there for a minute.
- Am I in the hospital ? - You passed out.
They were messin' with us, kyle. It was a joke.
[ All laughing ]
Racist ? But I watch oprah winfrey every day.
It was a joke, outtie. A joke !
[ Laughing continues ] yeah, I get it.
Sure, put a klan hood in my bag.
Yeah. Oh, that's funny.
[ Laughing ]
Whoa. I need a wine cooler.
Hey, have mine. Thanks.
It's tricky to rock around
To rock around, that's right
On time, it's tricky
It's tricky
Tricky, tricky, tricky
It's tricky
To rock around, to rock around
That's right, on time
It's tricky
Trick-trick-trick-tricky
I met this good girlie
Her hair was kinda curly
Went to her house
And busted out
I had to leave real early
These girls are really sleazy
All they just say
Is to please me
Spend some time
And rock around
I said it's not that easy
It's tricky
To rock around, to rock around
Time
It's tricky, it's tricky
Trick-trick-trick-tricky
It's tricky to rock around
To rock around, it's tricky
[ Cheering continues ]
In new york the people talk
And try to make us rhyme
They really honk
But we just walk
Because we have no time
Y it's a pity
'Cause we just can't hide
Tinted windows
Don't mean nothing
We know who's inside
It's tricky
To rock around, to rock around
That's right, on time
It's tricky
Tricky, tricky, tricky
Isn't he just the cutest little thing ?
Oh, yeah, kyle's the man !
Tricky, tricky
Tricky, tricky
[ Minnie riperton:
"Inside my love" ]
You mean never ? Not even once ?
Well... I mean, I've had sex before,
Two people just meeting
Just, um, never with a person.
Barely touching each other
Right.
Two spirits
Well, I think that's kinda cool.
Greeting
You do ? Yeah.
I mean, you should hold out. It should be special.
You are one
And I am another wait till you're in love.
We should be I think I love you.
You are so cute.
One
Inside each other
If you can see inside me
Will you come inside me
Do you want to ride
If you can see inside me
Will you come inside me
Do you want to ride
Further up I take it you don't have a condom.
Uh... No.
Um, I guess I'm all out.
Well, lawrence probably has some.
Why don't you try that drawer ?
Next to the old spice, behind the belts.
Two strangers
Not strangers good guess.
Only lacking the knowing
So willing, feeling
You know what ? Um, I don't exactly know wh-what I'm doing,
And, um, I'm-- ooh.
Shhh. Relax, baby. Let rhonda handle this.
Time's changing
More so each year
But the early warning
The pimp is here
So let it rain
And let the guitar rock
Good time. Take care.
Stay cool. Hey, devon.
Just drop that top
Hey, hey, hey
Well, well, well
What's up ?
Hey, hey, hey
Well, well, well
Well, well
[ Rap continues, indistinct ]
Let's go, kyle.We want details. What happened ?
Well, we had a few drinks,
Danced a little, and, you know--
No, we don't know. Why don't you tell us ?
[ Laughing ] what the hell is that ?
Did you kill a cheetah ?
What ? No. These are her underwear. She gave 'em to me.
[ Sniffing ]
[ All groaning ]
I boinked her.
Boinked ?
Yeah, wait. Did you just say the word "boinked" ?
- [ All laughing ] - well, kyle,
I certainly hope you got all the boinking out of your system,
'Cause we got a lot of driving to do today, guys.
But do not get your hopes up about visiting graceland,
'Cause right now we're all about the mission at hand.
Josh. What ?
That sounds like a really good plan, except for one little thing.
What little thing ? We're out of money.
Okay, before I have you fill out these forms, I need to ask you a few questions,
And then, if you qualify, you can make a sperm deposit.
- Is that understood ? - Mm-hmm. Fire away.
Now, be honest, because if you don't tell the truth,
The test will and you won't get paid.
So, first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours ?
And that includes marijuana.
[ Groans ]
Okay, next.
Have any of you had sex or masturbated in the past 24 hours ?
Well, I guess I'm out.
Because I had sex last night... With a girl.
- [ Grunting ] - that's nice.
I think you'll find everything you need right here in these binders.
[ Chuckles ] would you each take a cup ?
Okay. And here's yours.
And I would appreciate it if you could return those to the front desk after you're finished.
Okay. Uh, thanks.
Cheers.
[ Sighs, mutters ]
Excuse me. Do you have anything with asian women ?
I have this thing for asian chicks, and there seem to be none in this binder.
Sorry. This isn't peep world. Our selection is limited.
You're gonna have to make do. Okay. No problem.
You've been more than helpful.
Is something wrong ?
Well, no.
But I just couldn't help but notice that--
Is there something between us ?
I mean, I was thinking that maybe you might want to--
I don't know-- help me out with a little... Professional assistance.
Do you need some help ?
Yes, I do.
[ Woman on speaker ] dr. Morris, dial 118, please.
Dr. Morris, please dial 1-1-8.
The moment I saw you out there, I thought you were incredible.
I mean, you're not like most of the girls I know. You're a real woman.
That's fine. Turn around, drop your pants, put both hands flat on the table.
[ Chuckling ] oh, my god.
This is great. Wow. Like this ? Exactly.
[ Sighs ] I have to admit, I love you in that uniform.
Do those nylons go all the way up, or are they like those thigh-high kind ?
I'm gonna perform a procedure on you called "milking the prostate."
It's an anally-induced ejaculation.
[ Whispers ] anal ?
You're gonna feel strong pressure on the prostate gland from inside your rectum.
Come on, now. You don't have to get all scientific on me, baby.
I mean, we can just talk--
[ Grunts, moans, squeals ]
[ Grunting ]
Stop ! Okay, keep doin' it. Yeah !
Right there ! Ahhh !
[ Moans, giggling ]
Oh, my god ! Ohhh !
[ Sighs ]
Okay. All done.
[ Exhales ]
That was awesome.
[
Wait. Wait. Does that work ?
I mean, is it even medically possible ?
Oh, yeah, it works.
It works like a charm.
But back to our story.
[ Barry's voice ] it was sunday morning back in ithaca...
When things suddenly took an unexpected turn.
I'm a mouse. I'm a mouse. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
[ Sighs ] come on.
You better eat him, mitch, before I do.
[ Panting ] he's tasty.
He's tasty, mitch.
[ Moaning ]
[ Mouse squeaking ]
[ Moaning continues ]
Mmm ! Mmm !
Mmm ! Mmm ! Why'd you lie to me ?
[ Groans ]
[ Gulps ] I didn't lie.
You-you told me that josh went to boston.
No, I didn't. I said austin. You said boston !
Because of you, some guy's life is ruined in boston.
So what ? Besides, what's the difference ?
Wherever he we, he went because of you.
- What do you mean,
Because of me ? - Look, it's obvious.
Josh likes you. It's disgusting.
I knew you'd come back.
What do you want ? So, how was your little getaway with josh ?
I wasn't with josh.
Huh, sure.
Doesn't matter though,
'Cause josh won't be back next semester.
He's about to flunk philosophy.
What are you talking about ?
See, he thinks that he has an extension on the midterm,
But, thanks to a certain someone-- me--
He doesn't;
He's such an idiot.
You are a psycho.
[ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming continues ] - [ beth screams ]
[ Screams ]
[ Gasps, groaning ]
- Oh, my god ! - I wanna rock
Turn it down, you say
Well, all I gotta say to you
Time and time again I say no
No
No, no, no
Tell me not to play
Well, all I gotta say to you
When you tell me not to play
I say no, no, no, no
So if you ask me why
I like the way I play it
There's only one thing
I can say to you
I wanna rock
Rock
- I wanna rock - rock
I want to rock
Rock
I wanna rock
[ Barry's voice ] that night, I set the guys up at my grandparents' house.
I haven't been to my grandparents' house in a long time.
When I was seven years old I set their dog on fire, and I haven't been invited back.
But I hear it's still real nice.
I'm serious. "Please." "Thank you." "This is delicious."
Those are the only words you're allowed to say, okay ?
What ? I'm great with old people. Grandmas love me.
Wait a minute.
Wilow."
Barry's last name is manilow ? Yeah, yeah.
His name is barry manilow ? Yeah.
[ All laughing ]
- [ Together ] hi ! - Oh, my goodness !
Oh, look at you boys.
Jack, they're here !
I see you, baby
Shakin' that ass
Shakin' that ass
Shakin' that ass
Jack, barry's friends are here. Come and say hi.
[ Dog groans ] the boys are here.
- Oh, hey, fellas. - Hi.
Hey, how's it going ? Wait. Let me get up.
I'll give you guys the full tour. Oh, honey !
Careful. Your boner !
Well, what do you want me to do, cut it off ?
[ Groans ] I'll tell you what, fellas,
We'll start the tour by me showin' you where you're gonna sleep.
[ Chuckles ] I'll show you what we call the guest room. Come on.
Follow me, boys. The guest room.
[ Muttering ]
Ohhh.
[ Woman on tv ] I know y'all know what I'm talkin' about.
Don't be lookin' at me like that now. I see ya.
Come on.
[ Rings bell ]
Excuse me.
You remember this kid ?
No, sure don't.
Fuckin'--
[ Muttering ]
[ Screams ] all right, let me ask you once more.
- Have you seen my son ? - Ow.
Now that you mention it, there were a few guys in here.
If you loosen my arm, I could get their bill for ya.
Use your other arm.
- How many were there ? - I don't know. A few.
- [ Cracking sound ] - aaah ! Four !
One of 'em was in here trying to score drugs.
Honey, look.
They made two calls
To austin, texas.
Maybe they went there.
[ Door opens ]
Havin' a smoke ?
Uh... Yeah, yeah.
[ Groans, mutters ] I can't sleep either.
Goddamn viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat.
[ Chuckles ] are you okay ?
You look kinda goofy. No. No, it's nothing.
Come on, out with it.
[ Sniffs ] okay.
Well... I almost died two days ago.
What ? Our car exploded. Yeah. I could be dead right now.
And since that happened, I find myself asking, "why ?"
You know ? Like...
What is my reason for living ?
Are you gonna pass that doobie, or what ?
Doobie ? Yeah. Yeah, sorry.
Uh, thanks.
[ Dog groaning ]
You know what
Your problem is ?
You're all brains. Not enough cock and balls.
Actually, uh, people have been telling me that my whole life, believe it or not.
When I was in the sixth grade, I got so worried about the escalating situation in iraq...
That they put me on an adult dosage of xanax.
And by eighth grade, I was in therapy three times a week.
And the truth is, weed is the only thing that could ever balance me out.
You know what I mean ? Like--
- You okay over there ? - Hey, old man.
I got the fuckin' munchies real bad.
How 'bout you ?
Okay, tiffany, it's time to stop being so sad.
Look at all this mail you got !
Look how many nice people care about you.
You even got a package from josh.
Really ? Shall we open it and see what he sent ?
Yeah, come on, tif. Let's open it.
[ Laughs ] it's a tape. Oh.
Well, pop it in.
Maybe I should watch this on my own.
Oh, come on.
This'll definitely cheer you up.
[ Beth on tape ] what do you look for in a girl ?
Um, well, let's see. She should be smart...
[ All giggling ] and, um, funny.
And, uh...
That's good--
That's good too.
What else do you look for ?
[ Josh on tv ] she should be, uh, attractive...
And, um, topless.
Uh-huh. And she should kiss me.
[ Groans ]
[ Vomits ]
Bye-bye. You boys be good now. It was great to have ya.
Bye-bye. I'll tell barry you said hello.
Hey, jack, have that bitch make me some blueberry pancakes right now.
Amour
I built a love machine
I bow all night long
I built a love machine
I bow all night long
I put the two dollar in
Three on fought frowned
Grab ahold
Of my drummer, baby
Everybody watch out
Yeah
[ Chattering ]
Excuse me.
[ ]
Www.Episodetwo/spoilers...
Back slash--
[ Sighs ] okay, look. Some people are here,
And they are being very rude.
Okay. Call you back.
I'm sorry, but we need your help.
Do you know tiffany henderson ? Room 109.
Yeah, um, well, her grandfather died,
And she asked me to pick up her mail for her.
Oh, how sad. Do you have the key ?
Well, she-she didn't bring it to the funeral, so I was hoping that you could--
Oh, I'm sorry, but you need the key.
Don't worry. Her mail will be here, safe and sound.
It's not like that, you see ? She needs something.
This is an emergency. Let's not make a big deal out of it, okay ?
Well, it's not a big deal, but you need the key. Rules are rules.
No one's asking you to do anything wrong here, man.
Just, you know, look away. Go have an eskimo pie or something.
You guys are gonna have to leave, okay ?
We're not leaving without that mail.
I suggest you listen to the man before you get some jackie chan happening on your face.
Come on, fellows. Let's go right now. That means now, asshole !
[ Grunts ] ohhh ! Jesus !
I think he broke my nose. Oh, god ! Let me see it.
- Come on, susie. - You're a wrestler ?
You bet, mary.
Y
- Let me see it. - Oh, god !
All right.
[ Both grunting, yelling ]
Who's my bitch ?
Who's my bitch ? What ?
[ Josh groaning ]
[ Receptionist ] that's it. No, no, no !
[ Yelling continues ]
Okay, everyone, freeze !
This here is pepper spray, and we will not hesitate to use it.
[ Grunting ]
[ Groaning ]
These guys jumped me. I was just sitting behind my desk.
What ? Kyle ?
- Dad ? - That's your dad ?
Freeze right now ! Everybody freeze !
- [ Crowd gasps ] - put your weapon down now !
- My son was kidnapped ! - Whoa, whoa, whoa !
- [ Cocks gun ] - who was kidnapped ?
I wasn't kidnapped. These are my friends from school.
What are you talkin' about ?
We all drove down here together.
What ? Then explain to me how the friggin' car got blown to hell.
- Well, see-- - it was stolen.
That's right. It was stolen. Tell him, kyle. Wasn't it ?
Uh-huh. Exactly.
Stolen ? What about the damned credit card ?
It was in the glove compartment, and that was stolen too.
Oh, bullcrap ! This is ridiculous !
Why didn't you tell us where you were ?
Because I knew you'd get mad ! See ? Look how mad you are !
I'm not mad ! Come on. You're going with me.
- Josh ? - [ Crowd gasps ]
- Tiffany ! - What the-- what's going on ?
Nothing. Damn, dude, she is hot !
[ Pager beeping ] ben, my girlfriend's paging me. Can we let these people go ?
- It's a good idea. - No one is going anywhere.
Bullshit, junior. He's comin' with me. Get off of me !
I'm going back with these guys.
You shut your mouth and don't talk back to me. Why don't you shut up ?
What the hell did you just say to me ?
I said, you shut up.
All my life you've been telling me to stand up for myself.
Well, now I am. Leave me alone, you jerk !
Why, you ungrateful little--
[ Screaming, shouting ]
What-- go this way.
Go away ! Go away !
[ Alarm ringing ]
[
What was that all about ?
I mean, josh, what are you
Doing here ?
I just missed you. That's all.
Well, I missed you too.
But it's crazy for you to drive all the way over here because you missed me.
What ? I thought you'd be glad to see me.
I am glad to see you. But, josh, you have your entire life to live up at school.
This isn't healthy. Besides...
I realized a few things this past week, you know ?
You did ? Like what ?
Like, we're in college.
The window of opportunity to go out and have fun and meet new people...
Is getting smaller by the day.
It is ? Come on, josh.
We've been together forever. I mean...
You're pretty much the only guy I've ever been with.
What do you mean, "pretty much the only guy" ?
Well, I was 14, and you were away at camp. But that was years ago.
Besides, we're in different area codes.
[ Scoffs ]
You know what ? I've been thinking a lot about us too.
[ Phone ringing ] um, the real reason I drove down here, actually--
Hold that thought.
Hello ? Yeah, he's right here.
Who is this ?
Hold on.
It's for you.
It's beth.
Who's beth ?
Uh--
[ Sighs ]
Beth ? Hi, josh.
What are you doing ?
Look, I'm not really sure what's going on between us, but I need to tell you something.
I'm actually glad you called, 'cause I wanted to tell you something.
Okay, you first.
I can't really talk about it right now,
But I promise I'll explain everything when I get back.
Okay ? Really. I promise.
Uh, I-I gotta get going, okay ?
Wait, wait ! Don't you want to hear mine ?
Right. Sorry. Is it good ?
Not really. Jacob lied to you.
There's no extension on your midterm.
What ? He tried to trick you.
If you don't go back, you're gonna fail.
What do you look for in a girl ? Shit !
She should be smart and funny.
Aren't you glad I called ? Yes. Thank you, beth.
I'll call you as soon as I get back, okay ? All right.
Okay, bye. Is this for me ?
Hmm ? Oh, god, no, no, no ! You don't want--
What the hell is this ? Hey, rubin, I can see myself on the tv.
I think the tape must be rewound.
[ Laughing ]
- It's barry. - Hey, look.
Look at that. I can see my bum.
[ Laughing ]
Why would you send this to me ?
So wait. You guys broke up,
Then you hugged, and then you left ?
Yeah, pretty much.
Oh, loser ! You always have sex with a girl one last time before you break up.
Everyone knows that !
It's not like that. I've known her my whole life. She's my best friend.
So, what do we do now ?
You guys wanna smoke some drugs ? I don't think so, kyle.
My midterm starts in exactly 46 hours, so I gotta get back.
Although I'm gonna fail anyway, so it doesn't really matter, but--
Which class was it ? Ancient philosophy.
Well, I can teach you ancient philosophy in 46 hours.
You can ? I can teach japanese to a monkey in 46 hours.
The key is just finding a way to relate to the material.
Like, okay, you like pro wrestling, don't you ?
Who doesn't ? Okay.
Socrates-- he was like the vince mcmahon of philosophy. He started it all.
Can you hear us
R stereo
Can you hear us
Pumping on your stereo
Can you hear us
Pumping on your stereo
Life is a cigarette
You smoke till it ends
But if you rock it
A little bit
You'll burn all your sins
Dry your eyes
He lies
Yes, it's true
Oh, what was the 20-man battle royal ?
Participation explains predication. Aristotle's "one over many" argument.
Right. You know this.
You'll be fine.
[ Robot beeping ]
Freeze right there ! Don't move !
Is this philosophy ?
[ Chattering ]
All right, if you hear anything, give me a call.
Bomb threat is serious business. A felony. Here, take my card.
Okay.
[ Sirens wailing ]
[ Police radio, indistinct ]
[ Man ] okay, let's move it.
What's going on with this bomb threat ? I don't know.
False alarm, people. Everyone, back inside.
We're gonna do this thing. That's right.
Josh. Beth !
Hey, um... Thanks for calling.
Uh, it's been a really weird week.
So, how'd you do ?
On the exam ? Pretty good, actually.
You did ? Yeah.
Were you surprised ?
You weren't back in time for the exam,
So I, uh, called in a bomb threat.
You did that ?
[ Laughs ] that's insane.
I wasn't gonna let jacob get you kicked out of school.
Besides, I'm gonna need you around next semester.
So I did good, right ?
Good ?
That's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me.
Mom ?
[ Pants ] I'm so sorry.
Mom ?
I got carried away with the story there.
[ Panting ]
So, anyway, josh got a "b" plus on his midterm. He got to stay in college.
[ Barry's voice ] and I'm happy to report that he and beth are still together.
They're still really into making their home movies.
In fact, they have about 70 hours of unedited amateur video.
It's pretty wild.
I know, because I bought some of it on ebay.
That guy jacob-- he left school.
He went on to become the leader of some cult out in iowa.
Eventually, he tried organizing a mass suicide.
Only problem is, he drank the kool-aid first,
And, well, afterwards everyone else just kinda changed their minds.
Too bad.
As for rubin-- remember rubin ?
Remember how he always claimed that he was destined for great things ?
Something tells me the people of earth are gonna need me.
Well, he was right.
Rubin used cross-pollination to develop a strain of marijuana...
That is not only remarkably potent...
But also completely undetectable by any of today's standard drug tests.
Oh, my god.
He was named high times' man of the year.
[ Laughing, chattering ]
As for E.L., Despite his swinging philosophy on sexuality,
He got pretty serious with some girl he met.
And you want me to use two fingers ?
I believe she was premed.
Did I say two ?
Better make it three.
Then there's kyle.
Kyle and his father reconciled their differences.
Hi, dad. Merry christmas.
He brought his new girlfriend home to meet his parents.
Rhonda, this is my father, earl.
Dad, this is rhonda.
Merry christmas, dad.
Come here.
That's the end of the tour, okay ?
I, uh, I hope each of you strongly considers...
Becoming part of the ithaca tradition...
As we lead future generations of young men and women...
Forward into the new century.
Thanks a lot. You guys were great.
Thanks. Thank you so much.
No, it was good. It was fun. Thank you so much.
Thanks. I'll see you in the fall.
Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.
Okay. Thank you. I'd just like to say thank you.
I mean, uh, that was...
Really great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Say that crazy sound thank you.
Thank you.
[ Boy ] mom ?
[ Boy ] mom ?
Road Trip Unofficial Script
Welcome to 
You'll be getting used to this area. 
It's not pretty when it happens. This is the-- 
That's the psychology department. 
They're watching us right now. 
You don't seem to know anything about it here. This is the worst tour ever. 
That's because he's probably never been anywhere else. 
And his girlfriend, tiffany. 
Josh stayed in the hospital for three straight days. 
They seemed destined to be together forever. 
But they made a pact, a promise to stay true to each other, 
I never ever came like that before. Come on. 
[ 
Everything's cool, though. I'm sure I'll catch you later. 
Hey, guys. But I am getting a little worried, 
[ 
Mitch needs an evenly 
I don't think so. 
Can we please feed him now ? 
Where have you been ? Nowhere. 
Oh, you going to E.L.'S tonight ? Yeah, I'll be there. 
It's none of your business, jacob. I can just tell you like him. 
[ Professor ] this week I'd like you... 
Just a reminder. 
And... See you all next week for the midterm. 
- Yes, sir. - Well, you better be ready. 
Just copy off someone. I can't. It's all essays and stuff. 
Hook up with beth, and at least enjoy your last week at college. 
For one evening of consensual sex with that girl. 
The window of opportunity to drink and do drugs... 
What do you think, little man ? 
She didn't sleep here last night... Again. 
We've never gone this long without talking. Something is definitely wrong. 
King 
You need no reservation 
Good. That's the plan. 
Ack 
You are not buying the girl, 
[ Ring ] 
[ 
Sold... To the captain. 
You don't understand. He's obsessed with me. 
Hi. 
- Twenty. - Twenty-five. 
Sold ! To my man josh for $26. 
Good-bye. 
Technically. 
Who's tiffany henderson ? 
Did that help ? 
Fine. 
I feel a little bit better. Yeah. A little. 
Why don't you keep doing that ? 
The friendly owl says 
What are you so happy about ? 
Twice ! And once this morning. 
- That's really, really uncool. - I'm not pretending. 
No way ! This is amazing ! I was kidding. Just give it back to me, okay ? 
Give it to me. No, give it to me. 
It's boner time ! 
Oh, my god. 
Oh, no ! Oh, no ! What ? Hey, hey. 
Hi, josh. It's tiffany. 
Anyway, I'm at my parents' house helping my mom out. 
How come she gets to see the tape and we don't ? 
Do you have money for a ticket ? I don't. 
He's probably jackin' off. 
All you ever do is sit in a library and play myst with exchange students. 
No ! No, we've always liked you. 
No. 
You should look into that. That could turn into a debilitating phobia. 
I'll feed him a mouse tomorrow, okay ? Okay. 
[ Barry's voice ] 
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's it ? This story sucks. 
Sunny sky 
Ne's 
There are these rules that guys have, 
That makes no sense. 
It wouldn't be cheating, because they would cancel each other out. 
Uh-huh 
You know, because it's your dog ! Yeah, we got it. 
And the first thing tomorrow morning, 
Excuse me ? 
I mean, this girl who's a friend of his. You know what I mean. 
He is such an asshole. 
It just doesn't make any-- shh. Please, no interruptions. 
All men are perverted pigs. 
If they had it their way-- 
Ss. 
I baby 
Look, we're a little short on cash right now, 
We need this stuff. You want us to sleep in the dirt ? 
We've been on this road for over an hour. 
It's supposed to be a challenge. That's why they call it a shortcut. 
Turn around ? Why ? Because of this ? We can make it. 
No, no. 
You sure ? 
Look, I can spit across this gap. 
We're okay. 
Oh, my god ! 
Josh, we're gonna call a tow truck. We'll have the axles fixed. 
Just something about josh. 
It was a regular-size van. That was before they started making that minivan crap. 
We almost died in that explosion. 
[ Josh ] we shouldn't be going to sleep right now. 
[ Phone ringing ] 
N. 
We can do that. 
By the way, cheech. 
I ran it through three times, sir. It keeps telling me you're over your limit. 
We've been coming here for 20 years. 
You can't rent a car without a credit card. You just can't. 
The police have found kyle's car abandoned in bedford, pennsylvania. 
Hi. How can I help you ? 
She runs good now, 
Five days. Well, I think we can work that out. 
Don't roll your eyes at me. 
Look at that. You're absolutely right. I'll tell you what. 
Wait, no. They were in the car. The car that blew up. 
Okay, thank you. Okay, great. 
I don't even wanna know how you got this. 
Shakin' that stick 
Boogie 
Actually, I don't have to go yet, so we'll stop in a couple hours. 
I don't know. 
I really do need to go to the bathroom. 
Mitch is going to bite into you. 
Come on. 
First off, we're making great time. 
I think not. 
Well, I was in a car accident. 
Maybe take the midterm a couple days later. 
Are you sure ? Just glad you're not hurt. 
[ That was josh parker. 
If I hadguess, I'd say somebody was raped and murdered here last night. 
No blood or clothing, anything like that. 
What's her name ? I can look it up in the student directory. 
Okay. 
I thought you should know. 
Yeah. He's been cheating on her. 
No, I would not like a foot massage. 
[ Strikes note ] unleash the fury. 
[ Strikes note ] 
Hi. Can I help you ? Yeah. 
Xi. Chi. 
These are his friends. 
Hey, you do realize this is a national black fraternity ? 
Someone's got some serious explaining to do. 
Okay, hold on a minute. Uh, th-there's obviously some explanation for this. 
There you are. I thought we lost you there for a minute. 
[ Laughing continues ] yeah, I get it. 
To rock around, that's right 
Went to her house 
Time 
Y it's a pity 
Oh, yeah, kyle's the man ! 
Just, um, never with a person. 
You are one 
Why don't you try that drawer ? 
And, um, I'm-- ooh. 
Stay cool. Hey, devon. 
Well, we had a few drinks, 
[ Sniffing ] 
But do not get your hopes up about visiting graceland, 
Okay, before I have you fill out these forms, I need to ask you a few questions, 
So, first off, have any of you done any drugs in the past 36 hours ? 
Because I had sex last night... With a girl. 
And I would appreciate it if you could return those to the front desk after you're finished. 
Sorry. This isn't peep world. Our selection is limited. 
Is there something between us ? 
Dr. Morris, please dial 1-1-8. 
This is great. Wow. Like this ? Exactly. 
It's an anally-induced ejaculation. 
[ Grunts, moans, squeals ] 
[ 
When things suddenly took an unexpected turn. 
He's tasty, mitch. 
No, I didn't. I said austin. You said boston ! 
Josh likes you. It's disgusting. 
He's about to flunk philosophy. 
- [ Screaming continues ] - [ beth screams ] 
Tell me not to play 
I want to rock 
But I hear it's still real nice. 
Wilow." 
Jack, they're here ! 
Hey, how's it going ? Wait. Let me get up. 
We'll start the tour by me showin' you where you're gonna sleep. 
Don't be lookin' at me like that now. I see ya. 
- Have you seen my son ? - Ow. 
One of 'em was in here trying to score drugs. 
Goddamn viagra gets my heart racing like a lab rat. 
What ? Our car exploded. Yeah. I could be dead right now. 
Doobie ? Yeah. Yeah, sorry. 
When I was in the sixth grade, I got so worried about the escalating situation in iraq... 
You know what I mean ? Like-- 
Look how many nice people care about you. 
Well, pop it in. 
And, uh... 
Bye-bye. You boys be good now. It was great to have ya. 
I bow all night long 
[ ] 
Do you know tiffany henderson ? Room 109. 
Oh, I'm sorry, but you need the key. 
No one's asking you to do anything wrong here, man. 
Come on, fellows. Let's go right now. That means now, asshole ! 
Y 
[ Yelling continues ] 
- Dad ? - That's your dad ? 
What are you talkin' about ? 
Stolen ? What about the damned credit card ? 
- Josh ? - [ Crowd gasps ] 
Bullshit, junior. He's comin' with me. Get off of me ! 
All my life you've been telling me to stand up for myself. 
[ 
I am glad to see you. But, josh, you have your entire life to live up at school. 
Is getting smaller by the day. 
Besides, we're in different area codes. 
Who is this ? 
I'm actually glad you called, 'cause I wanted to tell you something. 
Wait, wait ! Don't you want to hear mine ? 
If you don't go back, you're gonna fail. 
Okay, bye. Is this for me ? 
Look at that. I can see my bum. 
Everyone knows that ! 
Although I'm gonna fail anyway, so it doesn't really matter, but-- 
The key is just finding a way to relate to the material. 
R stereo 
He lies 
Freeze right there ! Don't move ! 
[ Police radio, indistinct ] 
Hey, um... Thanks for calling. 
So I, uh, called in a bomb threat. 
That's the coolest thing anyone's ever done for me. 
[ Barry's voice ] and I'm happy to report that he and beth are still together. 
That guy jacob-- he left school. 
Too bad. 
That is not only remarkably potent... 
He got pretty serious with some girl he met. 
He brought his new girlfriend home to meet his parents. 
Becoming part of the ithaca tradition... 
No, it was good. It was fun. Thank you so much. 
I mean, uh, that was... 